One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey has never been a book I've been drawn to. But a reading challenge threw it in my path - and it turns out, it's amazing! The writing is exquisite - beautiful, haunting, massively impactful. The book is also funny, which I wasn't expecting, as well as very sad and powerful, which I was. The characterisation is masterful, the narrative voice (and the voices of a lot of the characters) is very effective and distinct. I was completely immersed and especially mesmerised by the last 30 or so pages, which will stay with me a long time. So glad I read this!
The Pastor's Wife by Elizabeth von Arnim, on the other hand, didn't really grab me at all. We follow Ingeborg, who escapes her oppressive family and goes on an impromptu trip to Lucerne, and ends up marrying one of her fellow travelers and disappearing off to America. I found the font very off-putting and the style very old-fashioned. There were lots of exclamation points and unnecessary italics. Ingeborg seemed very childish - and the man she gets involved with kept calling her 'Little One', which made me squirm. So, I unfortunately gave up around the 50-page mark.
We have traversed the Longest Day and emerged from the Shortest Night.
Winter is coming.
What came before: All righty, then. Coming up on Coon Cat Happy Hour and I will be joining them this evening.
Following is Facebook housekeeping; not applicable to those reading on other platforms.
Thanks to everyone who has explained to me that Boosting = I pay money to FB. That will not be happening. As to FB givingme money, I don't recall ever handing over anything like a Paypal link or a bank account number to Corporate, so that's unlikely to happen, as well.
What I believe I will do is crosspost to groups for a week, and then call a vote. Someone made the very valid point that there are people who only want the Official News, and someone else made the equally valid point that it's easy enough to skip the personal crossposts. Since I don't want the Official News people to skip over the stuff they want because I've taught them my posts are Mere Nattering, the try-it-and-evaluate system seems reasonable.
ENDS Facebook housekeeping
Writing has happened. Yet Another Chapter-by-Chapter has been put together; some old words have been polished and rearranged. I'm really looking forward to getting to a place where new! words! can happen, but we ain't there yet.
And that's all there is from the Cat Farm and Confusion Factory.
Everybody stay safe; I'll see you tomorrow.
#
Saturday. Sunny and heading for +/-80F/27C. The curtains are selectively open in my office, and the heat pump is already at work.
Slept in, because by the time I went to bed last night, I was exhausted. Chapter-by-Chapter is a Very Useful Tool, but it does take a toll on the brain.
Breakfast was oatmeal and tea. Pork chop and baked beans on-deck for lunch.
We here in Central Maine tremble before an Extreme Heat Watch, said Extreme Heat projected for Tuesday, when heat indexes are expected to approach 105F/40C. The weatherbeans are fair dancing in their excitement. They do so love their Wild Weather.
In news unrelated to anything at all, Perry Wink and his bunny sidekick are visiting Vancouver, where it's presently drizzling and 52F/11C. Perry is planning to attend the Teddy Bear Picnic in St. Andrews Park this afternoon. If you see him, say hi.
I'm currently reading two books. The first is a fascinating research paper recommended by Alex Picard -- Everyone Here Spoke Sign Language, by Nora Ellen Groce, a study of hereditary deafness on Martha's Vineyard. The second book is The Masqueraders by Georgette Heyer, which I'm having read to me by Eleanor Yates.
In viewing news, I watched the first episode of the second season of Ncuti Gatwa's Dr. Who a couple days ago. P'rhaps I'll make space to watch the second this weekend. I must say that Mr. Davies spares no one his scorn in the matter of villains. I'm still trying to settle in my own mind if that's a bug or a feature.
I spent a little bit of time staring at Cap'n Fish's website yesterday, but the moving parts defeated me, which means I'll be shelving that for the present, and will therefore have a treat to look forward to in future.
And that? Is all I've got. Today is also a writing day, so I'd better get to it.
What's everybody doing today?
Today's blog post title courtesy of e e cummings, "Summer Silence."
Having spent far too long slogging through Private Rites by Julia Armfield grouchily going 'this should have been a novella' I decided to start off June with a couple of actual novellas.
Murder by Memory by Olivia Waite - Olivia Waite is someone I had previously encountered through her series of f/f historical romances, so when I heard that her next book was going to be a cozy mystery set in space I was intrigued. A Miss Marple type detective is taking a well earned sabbatical in the ship's memory core before being decanted into a new body, when she wakes in a young body that isn't hers. It's cute, but it is very...slight. But I do increasingly think that it's an admirable skill to know and accept when a one hundred page idea is a one hundred page idea and not dragging it out to novel length.
Navigational Entanglements by Aliette de Bodard - This was a little bit longer at one sixty odd pages, and there was a lot going on - navigators are people who can navigate unreality with the help of some sort of magical/sci-fi power called shadows, a monster escapes from unreality, there's a murder mystery, four expandable junior navigators all with their own traumas and neurodivergences have to learn to work together, there's an odd couple romance - and it's very interesting and all, but none of it gets enough room to breathe, so it doesn't really land.
The Potency of Ungovernable Impulses by Malka Older - I absolutely adore this series about awkward lesbians solving fairly low stakes myteries in a future where humanity has fled a dying earth to a system of interlinked platforms around the rings of Jupiter. They actually remind me a little bit of Murderbot, not so much content wise, but, like, vibes, and the way they go down so easy. If you haven't read them, there are three of them now, and you're in for a treat!
Cover Story by Celia Laskey - You know that feeling where you're reading something at a clip and having a great time, and then you get to the end and are like, I don't actually think that was that good? Yeah, it was one of those. So that the set-up is that it's 2005, the beginning of the smartphone and blogging era, and a neurotic publicist falls in love with the up and coming actress she's charged with keeping in the closet. It was pacey and frothy and I read it over a couple of days, and then I got to the end and the one (1) thing about it that had stuck with me was there's this line in one of the sex scenes "her vagina gulped for air", and, I'm sorry, but whoever let that line stay in the final draft hates you and wants your endeavours to fail.
The Heiress by Molly Greeley - Modern takes on Austen can be of, uh, variable quality, but this one, where Anne de Bourgh fights her way out of her laudanum induced haze to take control of Roslings, her destiny, her queerness, her desire not to be a mother is probably the best one I have ever read. Highly recommended!
(I forgot to mention that for about twenty minutes of the day I flew to Prague, I couldn't find my passport, because it was not in the box where it normally lives at home. That was not a fun twenty minutes, and much love to both Tony and Charles for joining me in the search. We found it eventually, it had fallen down the side of the shelf on which the passport box lives, in a way that meant you could only see it from one specific angle. Thankfully, I eventually stood at that angle and spotted it.)
The ice hockey camp continued to be excellent and very hard work, and I feel like I learned a great deal (and now I need to remember to keep using everything I learned and not fall back into bad habits). The coaching was very supportive and kind while pretty much pushing me to my physical limits. I very much hope to return on future camps.
The Saturday evening we went into central Slaný where there was a kind of beer festival happening, lots of different beer stands around the town square, a live rock band on stage, and a bunch of fairground rides. Sunday lunchtime, after the camp was finished, the original three of us got an Uber into Prague in the gloriously hot and humid afternoon. The other two had been to Prague before so I went off on my own to do some tourist things (boat tour! historical tram! walking across the Charles Bridge!) and messaged them when I was ready to meet up again. Turned out we were about five minutes walk apart at that point.
I took a load of photos but actually this random selfie for my family is one I'm really happy with:
We had dinner in Prague, during which time the hot weather broke into torrential downpour, and did a bit more walking around once that tailed off into intermittent showers, but eventually got back to Slaný for the evening. We got packed up and out of our rooms as requested in the morning but were able to leave our kit in storage while we had a leisurely walk and hipsterish brunch in Slaný before it was time to head to the airport.
Getting home was tediously delayed by train cancellations but I still got home in time to put the first washload on and repack my kitbag for Warbirds practice Monday evening.
Four tech guys (maybe not bros in the usual sense?) have been sworn in as Army Lt Colonels without any military experience or training. It reminds me of the British Army of the Napoleonic time (probably before and after) in which officers bought their places rather than rising through the ranks. https://www.wired.com/story/what-lt-col-boz-and-big-techs-enlisted-execs-will-do-in-the-army/ https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/us-army-tech-executives/ Wired points out that this has been in the works for a while, so maybe I can't blame it on Project 2025, but it's scary and infuriating. The military is ejecting trans people who are extremely qualified (and have put in the work to get where they are) while giving people jobs that traditionally took decades to work up to partly to please the companies? Phooey.
Speaking of military service, all of the BTS members have finished theirs now. I did not know until after his discharge that Park Jimin had been doing artillery work near the border with North Korea. I know it's not comparable (they went in as themselves, not as fronts for slimy companies), but they are very rich guys and in other times and places probably could have bought their way out. Nope. I am not one of the fans pushing (loudly, rudely) for them to jump immediately back in to being a performing group. Let them rest if they want.
Thanks to the effects of prolonged illness on my body, I have even more difficulty with it these days than in previous difficult years, but spatch took a picture of me on the way down the hill of Powder House Park that looked like I could still be the prow of a ship.
Listening to the radio in the car and tracking down songs at home, I seem to have amassed a small collection of music videos, more recent than not. I had never seen the studly single entrendres that accompany the blues-rock boasts of Elle King's "Ex's and Oh's" (2015). Rob identified the scratchy guitar chug in Sarah Barrios' "Thank God You Introduced Me to Your Sister" (2021) as a callback to Fountains of Wayne and thence the Cars, but it is a sapphic banger in its own right. It is generationally lovely to have the London Gay Men's Chorus backing up the acoustic version of Isaac Dunbar's "American High" (2024). Jean Dawson's "Pirate Radio" (2022) rocks like an Afrofuturist anthem and an autobiographical chantey at the same time. If it ever crossed your mind to wonder about a cross between the Preacher in True Stories (1986) and the High Voltage Messiah of The Ruling Class (1972), there's John C. Reilly in Jack White's "Archbishop Harold Holmes" (2025). The vintage riot grrrl of Halsey's "Safeword" (2025) is enthusiastically not safe for work. Patrick Wolf's "The Last of England" (2025) has so much Jarman in its DNA, it is almost gilding the lily to have filmed at Dungeness except that it feels like the correct acknowledgement. I just like the oneiric stop-motion of Witch Prophet's "Memory (feat. Begonia)" (2023).
It's Saturday, and a busy one! We're going to take the pupper for his grooming at 8am. We have a cousins get together around 12 (hopefully the dog is done by then, but if not, Jess will get him. Then, at four, we have our Arvandor game, delayed by four hours by the get together.
At least I get Spanish food out of it? I like most of my cousins, I just don't have much of a relationship with them. But a couple of them were there the night before dad passed at the hospice, so I'm making an effort. I figure they did, so can I.
And I do like Spanish food, and there aren't many places in Baltimore that serve it. It's the place I suggested, because otherwise we would have ended up at some brewpub or historic place that served bland American food. At least here, I have a shot at something with actual flavor. The place is called Tutti Paela, and has 4.5 stars on Google. Sadly, it's about 40 minutes away, so we'll need to leave early.
I'm looking forward to game today. I'm getting ready to throw more chaos into the mix, and it's going to be glorious. They're slowly progressing on the mystery. They've figured out a few things, but have the big mystery of "who is poisoning the queen" still to go.
Yesterday was a busy day at work. I was so busy calling patients back that I think I took a grand total of 18 calls. My email was *hopping*. Every thirty seconds, someone was asking me to call this STAT pt back and offer them this appointment or that appointment.
I also was chatting with the big boss of our little dept. I like her, she's sweet. We get along very well. She seemed to be suggesting that they're working on something for me. I had mentioned my very low calls per day, and she informed me that "they've got me." I don't know if I'm right or if I misinterpreted it, but I suppose time will tell.
Then, I made some very tasty ribs (Members mark Applewood seasoning? Baller) and Brussel sprouts. After walking the puppy, we went to the mall to look for shoes for me. We were sucessful! In Nordstrom, we found an adorable little sandal that should be appropriate for the funeral, and will be good for outings as well. I may wear them today for our cousin's outing. We shall see.
And on that note, I'm going to go forth and get ready to take the dog for his grooming. But first, more coffee. Everyone have an excellent Saturday!
(This is from Lara's concert, Dimash was a guest. Longer version here including Lara's introduction of Dimash and their interactions after finishing the song. Also - mostly for myself - here is Mansur's video. He's Dimash's younger brother and accompanied him on the trip.)
~
And from The Good Law Project: Pick a side – hate or Pride. "We’re teaming up with Stop Funding Hate to tell these companies to drop GB News. This Pride, let’s make support really mean something."
The reason British people talk about the weather all the damn time is that two weeks ago I got hailed on, yesterday was hot enough that I sweated through my clothes, and today there's haar stopping me seeing more than 100m.
The Summer Solstice- and it's going to be another in this run of very hot days.
Yesterday we drove across the County to buy the intensely local cheese they make in Rudgwick up against the Surrey border. The cheese is called Sussex Charmer and I've been eating it at the Long Man Inn. The outlet in Rudgwick has a cafe alongside where the speciality is toasted cheese and just about everything they serve is finger food. Where are the knives and forks? we wondered. But, of course there aren't any. This fed into the dream I had last night where I was working at a school and my job was to give out cutlery to the children then collect it up at the end of the meal. It was a peach of a job (though it entailed early rising) and I got on wonderfully with the kids.
Rudgwick has a church. I thought it a very average sort of a church. The pictures I took of it were very average too (the sort of uninspired, documentary pictures I've taken in a hundred different places: view of the tower from the south-west, check, close up of tower, check, view looking eastward down the nave, etc.....) so I wasn't particularly upset when I got home and found I'd been snapping away without a memory card.
Encanto gen: “The Talk” [@ AO3] RATING: PG-13. SUMMARY: While the Madrigals rebuild their home and family connections, they make Bruno part of their new foundation. NOTES: Thank you to akira17 for beta.
Happy solstice! spatch and I celebrated the longest stretch of the year's light with the third-to-last night of Theatre@First's The Tempest, the farewell production of its longtime artistic director. Their lion-bronze Caliban stood laughing, in his hands the staff the island's magic had brought him in pieces, by right, made whole. In, summer!
I mused yesterday that I was a slug on my day off. Well, today I had the day off, too. It wasn't a public holiday (yesterday was Juneteenth) so I took PTO. And today on my second day off I was slightly less of a slug.
Like yesterday I started the day by sleeping in. I didn't sleep in anywhere near as much, though. I was out of bed before 8. (It helped that I wasn't up half the night sleepless and with stomach problems.) I still frittered away the morning... though we got in a dip in the hot tub before I went out for lunch.
On the way home from lunch I ran one small errand then got back to frittering. Hawk suggested we go out for a hike instead of just frittering. I agreed. We changed into our hike-y clothes and drove out to the Sunnyvale Baylands.
It was a nothing-special hike, just a walk in a local park. Hawk is still getting over sickness so we didn't want to commit to anything big or strenuous. It was good to get out. The conditions weren't great, though. There was a strong wind on the bay, and the smells from the sewage treatment plants in the area were fierce. 💩😷 Also, the water was green. Bright green. When the bay looks like a bazillion people went 🤢🤮 it's kind of a turnoff. BTW, the green water isn't literally because 🤮; it's most likely because of a high concentration of algae or other microorganisms, and they can also contribute to the water smelling like 💩.
Despite the conditions we got a good hike in. I know because my feet were achy at dinnertime.
For dinner I had "freezer surprise". I'd dug through one of the shelves in the freezer earlier in the day and uncovered a bunch of stuff I'd forgotten I have. I defrosted and ate one of those finds, a package of precooked shrimp.
Tonight I'm frittering again. Hawk hopes she'll be up for a bigger hike tomorrow. Maybe we'll go back up into the mountains, like when we hiked at Russian Ridge two weeks ago. If not, maybe we'll get together with friends who are hosting a boardgames day.
Masters of Horror: Cigarette Burns. In John Carpenter's episode of the horror anthology series, a guy (Norman Reedus) who finds rare movie prints is hired to find one that may no longer exist after horrific violence broke out on the night it was shown. I love stories about haunted media, and the haunted media parts of this were solid. Unlike Antrum: The Deadliest Movie Ever Made, this mostly resisted the temptation of actually showing us the cursed movie, but the effects as our guy gets closer to finding it are satisfyingly disturbing. It even gets pretty gory towards the end, which I was not expecting.
That said, it's weirdly paced and very talky, and the main character should have been played by someone older, because Norman Reedus with his baby face absolutely cannot sell this role. Also, IMO it really mishandled the reveal ( spoilers )
--
Sator (2021). A man lives in a cabin in the woods while trying to discover what happened to his mother, who may have been taken by a demon that she and her mother both claimed to hear messages from. This movie doesn't have much dialogue, is very poorly lit, and relies heavily on the viewer being able to recognize and distinguish faces to distinguish what's happening, which I'm pretty bad at, so overall I understood only the broadest strokes of this movie. I think I would really like the movie that I think it was trying to be, a story of an inherited gift/curse and how it affects and has affected different members of the family, but I need a bit more than this movie could give me.
I will say the spooky woodsy vibes were very good, and despite being objectively pretty slow, I was engaged the whole time. Also, the actress playing the grandma with dementia was fantastic. Loved her.
Overall I don't recommend this one, but if you watch it, I would love to know what you think happens in it.
Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day (merriamwebster_feed) wrote2025-06-2101:00 am
Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day for June 21, 2025 is:
litmus test \LIT-mus-TEST\ noun
A litmus test is something (such as an opinion about a political or moral issue) that is used to make a judgment about whether someone or something is acceptable.
// At our family’s Thanksgiving dinner, the litmus test for good mac and cheese is whether or not it is baked.
“The audience in a Broadway show can be intoxicating, and it’s like a litmus test. If a joke doesn’t land one night, you tell it differently the next night. It’s terrifying, on set, to have no idea if something is working.” — Erika Henningsen, quoted in The Hollywood Reporter, 1 May 2025
Did you know?
It was in the 14th century that scientists discovered that litmus, a mixture of colored organic compounds obtained from lichen, turns red in acid solutions and blue in alkaline solutions and, thus, can be used as an acid-base indicator. Six centuries later, people began using litmus test figuratively. It can now refer to any single factor that establishes the true character of something or causes something to be assigned to one category or another. Often it refers to something (such as an opinion about a political or moral issue) that can be used to make a judgment about whether someone or something is acceptable or not.
Emergency Alert By Dialecticdreamer/Sarah Williams Part 1 of 1, complete Word count (story only): 1431
:: One of the staff finds Maureen, but does not find the stroller or the twins. Emergency procedures are instigated, and news begins to spread. Part of the Unfair Trades story arc in the Polychrome Heroics universe. ::
Brendon nearly stumbled as he hurried toward the side path. Nervously, he tugged at the hem of his tangerine orange polo shirt as he swallowed, trying to dampen the rasping dry cavern of his mouth. His watch chirped, but he didn’t spare a flicker of his gaze away from the smooth white sidewalk.
As he turned the last bend before the bathrooms, he froze.
A dark-haired woman lay on the ground, alone. ( Read more... )
Dave and I have been playing Heaven's Vault for a few weeks and just finished it.
You play an archaeologist and ancient linguist, travelling rivers between different moons in a wooden airship, with a robot sidekick who is amusingly snarky.
There's a lot of flying around that's a bit tedious, but there's also a lot of interesting exploration and discussion of various things with a range of different characters. The game kept trying to get us to go back to the university planet to report to our academic superior, but we didn't like her so we kept refusing!
Things got pretty complicated with the robot and all the mysteries and we definitely missed a fair amount of stuff we could have found along the way.
But I really enjoyed the translation aspect, wherein we kept finding inscriptions all over the place and had to try and work out what they meant based on our growing knowledge of the ancient language.
I did find it a bit baffling that we would be trying to narrow down a new location on the map, and we'd keep finding wrecks and ruins with ancient artifacts in them. Upon these discoveries, our character kept saying, "This must have been made in the place we're trying to find - it will help us figure out where it is." Um, how, exactly?
But there was a lot of intrigue and our discoveries led us to some interesting places and some fascinating theories. The ending felt a bit abrupt and had a very challenging decision to be made, but it was certainly portentous!
Overall, some slow and some frustrating aspects, but a very interesting game that we rather enjoyed.
A Collection of Unmitigated Pedantry (acoup_feed) wrote2025-06-2007:20 pm
This week at long last we come to the clash of men and horses as we finish our three-part (I, II, III) look at the iconic opening battle scene from the film Gladiator (2000). Last time, we brought the sequence up through the infantry advance, observing that the tactics of the Roman arrow barrage and infantry assault weren’t very Roman at all and were poorly executed in either case.
This week, we’re closing out the battle with the final, confused melee as the infantry, barbarians and cavalry all come together in a swirling mess. As we’re going to see, not only did Roman warfare seek to avoid such a swirling mess on the battlefield, so did the warfare of Germanic-speaking peoples like the Marcomanni and the Quadi – the ostensible enemies in this scene – who fought in spear-and-shield walls that relied on keeping formation every bit as much as the Romans. Meanwhile Maximus, who is supposed to appear supremely capable, comes off as a deeply incompetent Roman commander who ought never have been trusted with command.
The result, as we’ve seen so far, is that while the Roman army in Gladiator is a lot of folks’ standard reference point for the Roman army, it doesn’t function very much like a Roman army. Instead, its historical groundness is largely deceptive, getting just enough of the obvious things close enough to right for an audience to largely accept the things which are wrong.
But first, if you want to help support this project you can do so on Patreon! I don’t promise to use your money to buy myself more arms and armor, but I also don’t promise not to do that. And if you want updates whenever a new post appears, you can click below for email updates or follow me on Twitter and Bluesky and (less frequently) Mastodon (@[email protected]) for updates when posts go live and my general musings; I have largely shifted over to Bluesky (I maintain some de minimis presence on Twitter), given that it has become a much better place for historical discussion than Twitter.
Whoopsiedoodles.
The Barbarians
But before we dive into the clash of infantry, I want to turn our focus briefly and look at bit more closely at the Marcomanni and Quadi in this scene, because they are done even worse by it than the Romans, by some margin, in how they are equipped, dressed and how they fight.
What we see of our ‘barbarians’ is all over the place, but mostly conforms to the sort of ‘barbarian chic’ I have complained about in the past: lots of leather and fur, dirty clothes and earth tones. In equipment, we see few helmets, an absurd variety of shield shapes (most rectangular to some degree and curved) and a lot of axes (because barbarians love axes). Their formation is likewise poor: they form a vaguely linear mass, but when the arrow barrage starts, we see men running around in every direction, with no particular order or effort to retain formation. When they charge, there’s no effort to retain any kind of order, they simply rush forward in a rolling mass.
The one interesting quirk, of course, is that their leader speaks flawless 21st century Bundesdeutsches Hochdeutsch – an awkward and unfortunate equating of modern Germans with ancient Germanic-language speakers, as we noted last time – and they use the pre-battle murmur call from Zulu (1964). That murmur call was, so far as I know, entirely made up in 1964 and isn’t any less made up in 2000, but it is actually a neat film reference in that it encourages the viewer to think of how the white North-and-Central Europeans in this scene are the ones in the position of the “other” like the Zulu were in the 1800s, at the ‘business end’ of imperial exploitation. In that, it mirrors the earlier lines about who would “know when they are conquered.” Again, I am not entirely hostile to Ridley Scott and he’s at his best with these sorts of general themes, in the same way that Kingdom of Heaven (2005)1 is mediocre as a history of the fall of the Kingdom of Jerusalem but fantastic as a study of how internal politics and ideologies impel states into foolish, counter-productive wars.
Our ‘German Leader,’ tossing the head of the Roman emissary. They’ve given him a great big two-handed axe, but the prestige weapon in his culture in this period would have been a one-handed sword. A proper Marcomannic or Quadi chieftain or king would also have worn a helmet and mail, and carried a shield, probably oval, and brightly painted. A warrior like that, clad in gleaming metal armor with a bright, well-painted shield would cut an imposing figure on the battlefield.
But the rest of the depiction is pure nonsense. What ought we see?
Instead of leathers and furs, in terms of dress, we ought to see the Marcomanni and Quadi wearing wool tunic and trousers, probably dyed in fairly bold primary and secondary colors. Given the poor weather, they might wear cloaks (also wool), but generally people don’t wear cloaks into battle (whatever fantasy fiction has told you). Helmets, by this period, should be very common; those without metal helmets would likely have a textile or leather head protection, but I would expect metal helmets for most warriors. Body armor would be rarer, but a noticeable number of these fellows should be in mail or scale armor: while Roman artwork loves the trope of the ‘unarmored’ (often nude) barbarian, in practice these fellows have been exposed to Gallic mail armor since c. 300 BC and have been living next to – and often fighting in (as auxiliaries or allies) – the Roman army for generations, leading to the adoption of a fair bit of the Roman (particularly auxiliary) kit and tactics.
The ‘barbarians’ issuing their Zulu (1964)-style murmur call.
In terms of weapons, their shields should be broadly of a single type: a long, flat oval shield (sometimes these are hexagonal in Roman artwork, but I wonder if that was just an artists’ way of making them look foreign; oval seems more common) running from the shoulder to the shin, with a metal boss at the center. Such shields would be faced in hide (giving them a smooth appearance) and brightly painted. The primary weapon of basically everyone would have been a thrusting spear, a version of the one-handed omni-spear, as their primary weapon. Swords, of a type similar to the longer Roman spatha (still a one-handed sword) would be a more common backup weapon, particularly for the wealthy, but everyone should have the spear. At this date, I’d expect to see few axes, particularly not among the wealthier warriors (like the leader, who wields one).
In formation, we should be a little wary of our sources: the trope of the untutored barbarians who fought without units, order or formations is very strong as a form of ethnic stereotype against Celtic- and Germanic-language speakers in Greek and Roman literature. We get hints this stereotype isn’t quite accurate, like Tacitus noting that Germanic warriors were divided into units recruited from specific villages, at a specific strength (100 strong) and drawn up not in a mob but in an acies, a battle line (Tac. Ger 6.5-6). What we should expect here is is a shield wall formation, probably somewhat more tightly spaced than the Romans.
In fact, such a Marcommanic or Quadi shield wall wouldn’t have been very different in organization or capability from a hoplite phalanx of the Greek world during the Classical period (admittedly, that’s five centuries earlier at this point): a close order formation of effectively militia-soldiers, recruited by neighborhood. Command and control would have been similar too: a Greek phalanx was also something of a ‘dumbfire missile’ – once it advanced, there was little the general could do to maneuver it. Greek generals, like what we’re told of Germanic-speaking kings, led from the front, attempting to inspire by example, rather than command (Tac. Ger. 7). The formation might not be rigid, but it would be recognizable as a coherent battle line and there would be some effort, if simply for self-preservation reasons, to keep that formation more or less together in the advance.
That is going to play into how these formations would, at last, clash.
Infantry Battle
There’s something of an irony in this scene that, as we discussed last time, Ridley Scott has tried really hard to give the Romans all of the visual signifiers of a highly comeptent, disciplined, capable army, from their technically sophisticated artillery barrage to their neat marching formations, clever tactics like the use of a (badly formed) testudo and so on. Those details are wrong, but we’re clearly meant to be impressed by how disciplined, trained and skilled the Romans are. We’re supposed to be really impressed by just how formidable Maximus has made his army, how impressive the Roman military machine is.
And then the charging Quadi and Marcomanni just casually sweep over these badly formed formations improperly using their weapons, with the battlefield dissolving into near total chaos almost instantly. In the first instant we see those thin, fragile looking Roman musket-line formations both bend backwards at the edges and clump up, with large numbers of ‘barbarians’ rushing into the intervals unopposed, leading to the entire formation devolving almost instantly into a series of isolated ‘islands’, ‘tactical clumps,’ surrounded and being lapped on all sides by enemies. By the time Maximus has been unhorsed and is fighting on the ground, the battle has devolved into a series of confused duels, with no clear front line or formations to speak of, and it’s equally clear the Romans have taken heavy losses. We’re supposed to conclude that Maximus has a really badass army, but if this was how an actual Roman battle went, what we’re actually seeing is that Maximus is terrible at this and so is his army.
It is hard to make out precisely what is happening in the soup of this scene but you’ve got a group of Romans in the foreground who have formed what I am going to call a ‘tactical clump’ rather than, you know, a fighting formation, and then behind them you have ‘barbarians’ pouring through the gap and wrapping around them, so that each Roman formation instantly becomes a confused little island alone at sea.
As you might imagine, this is not how the Romans fight, both in terms of tactics but also in terms of results. The Roman Empire, after all, employed a long-service professional army of hard-to-replace professionals. That army was, in absolute size, enormous – 300,000 to 400,000 men, far larger than the largest mobilizations of the Roman Republic – but it also covered some 3,000 miles of frontier on three different continents. The Roman Empire could tolerate isolated defeats or long campaigns, but overall the Romans needed to be able to win their battles decisively and generally quite one-sidedly; indeed one of the factors in the collapse of the Roman Empire in the west was that the Roman qualitative edge – the better tactics, soldiers and equipment – didn’t vanish, but was merely reduced (mostly by the ‘barbarians’ getting better at doing war Roman-style), leading to increasing strain on limited resources. In short, Roman victories tended to be lopsided in part because they could be and in part because they needed to be.
So what ought we be seeing?
As noted last time, the Romans ought to be advancing in cohorts, blocks of roughly 480 men, 60 files wide and 8 ranks deep, with fairly wide spacing, with the cohorts themselves set in two or three lines, with visible intervals between cohorts both laterally and vertically. Auxilia cohorts would likely be deployed to the flanks ad light auxiliary or allied troops might skirmish out in front of the formation or in the intervals between the cohorts. In terms of the size of those intervals, we don’t know precisely, but reasoning from the manipular legion of the Roman Republic, where we have better sources, they probably tended to have 10m of interval for every c. 25-30m of unit over the front. So we might expect a cohort to be about 80m wide, with perhaps c. 25m intervals on either side.2
You will often hear it said that the Romans advanced silently, but this is actually a question of considerable debate in the scholarship.3 In practice, our sources are mostly silent on this question and when they’re not silent, they give us confusing and varied reports: Romans sometimes advance silently, frequently raise a loud cry (the clamor) immediately before throwing pila and engaging, sometime drum pila against shields during the advance or to intimidate the enemy – and then in all of these we need to be wary of literary embellishment. The most common solution in this case is probably a relatively silent advance, with the legions raising a loud rolling shout right as they reach javelin-range (about 20-30 meters).
The Marcomanni and Quadi, meanwhile, would have formed into a shield wall-style line, probably without unit intervals (so it is a single long line), but not shoulder-to-shoulder. Instead, we probably ought to expect that each warrior occupies about 80-90cm of lateral space (making the formation a little under 50% empty air).
Naturally the film just has the ‘barbarians’ do a disordered rushing charge. Gladiator really wants this to be a scene about how good a soldier Maximus is, but what it keeps showing us is how he very nearly loses to a deeply incompetent, poorly equipped enemy.
While Hollywood loves passive Roman formations receiving ‘barbarian’ charges, in practice both formations would likely advance steadily before ending with a charge over the last few dozen meters before contact. Roman sources describe the coming together of Roman armies with words like concursus (a ‘running together’)4 so we know the Romans charged rather than walking into contact. At about 25m, the Romans would volley their first pilum, sending a shower of heavy javelins into the enemy ranks, likely timed to coincide with the shout (the clamor) and then the rushing onset of the Roman battle line; the second pilum could be thrown on the run or simply dropped if need be. Battles in which lines closed too rapidly for pila to be thrown are known from antiquity.
The question of “what happens when two battle lines collide at speed” is one of those enduring scholarly debates – mostly carried out in debates about hoplites – which we won’t settle here. I’ll offer my own view, which is I suspect they did collide at speed (though not, perhaps a dead sprint) before ‘accordioning’ back out to fighting intervals. Romans and ‘barbarians’ both in this moment have some flexibility of movement, both side to side and forward or back from the enemy, but they’re going to want to try to roughly maintain their relative position in formation, because they’re relying on the men to their sides to protect their own blindsides.
What you’d thus have would not be a confused mass of fighting or the isolated little ‘islands’ of Romans we see in the film, but rather a single solid line of ‘barbarians,’ pressed by large, coherent blocks of Romans with small intervals between them. A few Marcomanni or Quadi warriors might get the bright idea to run into those intervals, but they’d learn their folly quickly, as they’d be flanking themselves between the rear ranks of each Roman cohort, who are not actively engaged – and many of those Romans will still have had a pilum to hand. I should note that the Roman military oath swore, “not to leave or retreat from one’s post for flight or terror, unless in order to pick up a weapon, pursue and strike an enemy or to save a citizen” – the exception neatly in place to let a Roman soldier dash into the interval to strike down an enemy fool enough to try to run through it.5 Even if a warrior ran through the gap, they’d simply find themselves facing the next line of cohorts, off-set from the first to cover these exact intervals. Instead, I’d expect the ‘barbarian’ line to flex and waver, but generally hold as a line, not advancing far into the intervals.
The fighting, rather than taking place everywhere, would be taking place along those lines where the front of the cohorts met the Marcomannic and Quadi shield wall. Here, we’d likely see the same tactical interaction taking place in many individual combats at once: the Roman’s gladius (of a high imperial type) at c. 65-70cm is obviously far shorter than the enemy’s c. 2.5-3m long spear, so the Roman has to advance through his opponent’s reach advantage to strike. However, the Roman has an enormous shield and heavy body armor, which he can use to block his opponent’s weapon in order to advance into his own ‘measure’ (the reach of his weapon) at which point his sword is much more capable of thrusting (or cutting) around his opponent’s (also quite large) shield and the Roman’s heavy armor gives him a pretty decisive advantage.
Further aiding the Roman would have been that shower of pila just before contact, disabling men and shields and thus creating gaps and opportunities to exploit. Remember: a Roman can advance a short distance out of position for the purpose of striking an enemy. Likewise, the rear ranks, if they still had pila or could spot any usable missiles on the ground, were perfectly capable of throwing them either over top of the line or between the men in front of them. A wounded Roman could be relieved by the man behind him – after all, it was permissible to advance to save a citizen, so if the fellow soldier in front of you was wounded or knocked down, I think the expectation is that you rush forward to take his place so he can withdraw through the fairly wide tactical spacing to the rear (and you have a big shield with which to do it).
In practice, unless the initial rush of Marcomanni and Quadi was sufficient to sweep the Romans back – something that usually only happened in ambushes or other forms of tactical surprise – the attrition on that front line of fighting is likely to favor the Romans by a lot. As a rule in pre-modern contact (‘shock’) warfare, armored heavy infantry can inflict absolutely staggeringly lopsided slaughter in close combat against less well armored infantry: the heavy armor doesn’t just keep the Romans from being killed, it allows them to be more aggressive, advancing through their enemy’s striking distance more safely to ply their own weapons, which in that closer context (sword’s reach rather than spear’s reach) are a lot more lethal. Combined with Roman drill, the result was that these sort of pitched head-on-head engagements tended to go very badly for Rome’s enemies and to do so quite quickly.
If Maximus’ army was up to ROman army standards, his cavalry ought to arrive to find an enemy line already collapsing from casualties and thus rapidly collapsing morale. The fact that Maximus needs to bail out his own infantry line – in an army where the heavy infantry makes up three-quarters of the total force – suggests that far from being a great general, Maximus is quite bad at this and has under-prepared his army. Which bring us to:
That Cavalry Charge
With Maximus’ infantry being overrun and falling apart in an open field engagement, it falls to Maximus to save the day with his cavalry. As we’ve already covered in the previous sections, this is itself an oddity: the Romans rarely expected cavalry to play a decisive role in winning their battles and Roman generals in this period (and earlier periods) wouldn’t accompany the cavalry either – expecting to win with their infantry, they tended to position themselves behind the infantry to be able to command. Moreover, Maximus’ cavalry appears to be entirely, or at least mostly composed of legionary cavalry, but in practice the overwhelming majority of cavalry in Roman armies in this period were auxilia cavalry; each legion’s small detachment of 120 cavalrymen was more for scouting and messenger work than combat.
And yet we’re not even close to done with everything that is wrong about this part of the battle.
To start with, as alluded to before, the positioning of Maximus’ cavalry, effectively behind the Marcomannic army, is wild. It would, of course, be almost impossible to conceal such a flanking force of cavalry from an enemy, especially an enemy that knows the ground better than you do (because they live here). Forests often act in strategy games as default ‘concealment,’ but large bodies of cavalry are both very visible and fairly loud, so bringing this cavalry close enough to take part in the battle makes it nearly certain they would be spotted. If spotted, they’re in quite a lot of trouble, as they’re too far away to be supported. So the most likely result of Maximus’ strategy is defeat in detail: he’d arrive at the end of his long ride away from his army to find his cavalry gone – engaged, defeated and scattered hours earlier while he waited for his envoy to return – shortly before his infantry was overrun and defeated.
I can almost imagine how scathingly an author like Tacitus or Ammianus would report such a defeat, laying the blame with Maximus for arrogantly sabotaging his own negotiations by foolishly moving his cavalry in an obvious aggressive ambush position and then failing to prepare properly for the actual battle.
But assuming Maximus’ cavalry remains undiscovered, this is still a pretty terrible plan. The problem is terrain. I find a lot of folks are used to thinking about terrain much in the way that strategy games often do, which is that terrain offers relatively mild buffs or debuffs to specific unit types which generally ‘wear off’ the moment the cavalry exits the unfavorable terrain, which tends to make things like forests at most mild inconveniences to move through.6But in actual practice, dense old-growth forest might as well be a wall for cavalry as battle conditions: not a mild inconvenience but a nearly absolute barrier.
This is terrible ground for your cavalry! There’s no way to keep this tight formation together through all of these trees and about a hundred ways to injure your horse trying.
Horses, after all, did not evolve in dense forests, they evolved on the rolling flat grasslands of the Eurasian Steppe. It is very easy for a horse to injure itself moving through a forest unless it is on some kind of path: forests, after all, tend to be full of uneven ground, concealed small holes, fallen tree trunks, roots, undergrowth and all sorts of obstructions which can be hard to see (for either the horse or the rider) but which can easily damage a horse’s long, relatively fragile legs. Even at a slow pace, a rider would need to be careful in this terrain; at a gallop riders would almost certainly injure their horses – a bad footfall leading to a tumble that could kill the rider and would certainly permanently lame the horse.
One assumes the film can get away with this on screen because they’re not filming in an actual forest, but in a tree-farm, a kind of terrain that did not exist in antiquity, with nice, relatively neat even-spaced rows of trees on relatively flat ground with all of the obstructions and underbrush cleared away (and then probably further cleared and made safe during set preparation). So even if undiscovered, the practical result of Maximus’ cavalry charge would be dozens of lamed horses and injured or killed riders and a charge that fell apart from terrain long before it got within sight of the enemy.
Of course Maximus’ own handling of the cavalry is little better. He immediately spurs them to a gallop – rather than letting the horses advance more careful in such difficult terrain – and repeatedly orders his cavalrymen to “hold the line.” This is one of those lines that is intended to sound cool, but not to actually mean anything; to ‘hold the line‘ is to hold position and formation against enemy attack, an injunction, generally to infantry, to stand their ground. But this order cannot be to the infantry, who surely could not hear it. Here it is, I suppose, an order for the cavalry to hold their formation in the advance (which is simply not what this command means), but that’s also quite stupid: these men are galloping through a forest and so cannot hold tightly to their posts, because they will need to swerve or slow down to avoid the trees and other obstructions. Meanwhile he keeps shouting it like this is supposed to motivate the cavalrymen, who in practice can’t move any faster than their horses in any event.
The funny thing about Maximus yelling ‘hold the line’ here is that his cavalry has already dropped out of any formation that could be called a line, but also ‘holding the line’ at a full gallop through a dense forest isn’t really an option. Also, it sure is nice for Maximus that someone came through here in advance and made sure all of the trees were neatly space in rough rows and cleared out all of the underbrush and low-hanging branches. Who knew the ‘barbarians’ kept such neatly trimmed tree farms?
If it did somehow reach the enemy, Maximus’ cavalry would run into more fairly immediate problems because they’re carrying the wrong weapons. We see his cavalry – and Maximus himself – wielding gladii and oval shields. The shields are basically correct, but the other weapons are wrong. For one, the primary weapon of Roman or auxilia shock cavalry is going to be a cavalryman’s spear (generally a hasta in Latin), because a charging cavalryman wants a weapon which can reach beyond the head of his horse to strike an enemy. A sword would only ever be a backup weapon and in this case that sword would not be a gladius, but rather the longer spatha. Both derive from the La Tène sword tradition, but whereas the gladius of the imperial period is a shorter variant of a Roman variant of a Celtiberian variant of an early La Tène sword, the spatha is an only modestly altered Roman variant of a much longer late La Tène sword. The length, of course, is a great advantage on horseback where a rider is above any target he intends to swing at.
He just keeps shouting it. What line, Maximus? Where do you see a line to be held? Who are you even talking to?
Once again we can ask what ought we see?
Well in the first place, in a battlefield that has dense forest on both sides, we might not expect to see much cavalry at all. There’s simply no good terrain here to use them on. In these sorts of cases in the sources, we often just don’t hear what the cavalry was doing (rear security, most likely), sometimes for the whole battle and sometimes the cavalry becomes ‘visible’ again when it pursues fleeing enemies. It would not be at all unusual, from our accounts, for the cavalry simply not to be utilized here in the pitched battle – instead, the cavalry’s work would have been in scouting and screening the army as it matched here and pitched camp.
Assuming there was an open flank where cavalry could be employed, the Romans tended to post their cavalry on either flank of the army, with the intent that it screen those flanks, keeping the heavy infantry component from being enveloped. Since this wasn’t the main effort, the general didn’t accompany the cavalry. Instead, this task would be assigned in the imperial period to some of the more senior equestrian (as in the social rank)7 officers in the legion, whrd o show up variably in our sources as praefecti alae or praefectiequitum, while the senatorial legati took command of the main heavy infantry component, the legion. Out on the flank, the ‘Roman’ (mostly auxilia) cavalry would mostly be sparring with enemy cavalry and light troops rather than charging directly into opposing close-order heavy infantry.
And now to be a little mean, but everything else in this sequence is delivered in English except this one sentence which is given in Latin and the Latin is wrong. The viewer might assume that because this is the only phrase in Latin, it is a real Latin phrase, but of course it isn’t. The immediate problem is the victor is a masculine noun which can sometimes play as an adjective, but Roma is feminine, so if we wanted to say ‘Conquering/Victorious Rome’ we’d say Roma Victrix. That said, I can’t call to mind any example of Roma – a word that is going to conjure both the city and the goddess – being described as victrix. Cicero describes the res publica as victrix at one point (Ep. ad Brut. 1.10.2), although he uses a form of the verb to be, so he’s using victrix as a noun, not an adjective. The deeper problem is that the structure here implies ‘victrix’ as an epithet of Roma, which as far as I know, it isn’t; instead victor is an epithet of Jupiter and Hercules. Nike (the Greek word for ‘victrix’) is an epithet of the goddess Athena and that gets translated into Latin as Athena Victrix, but Athena is very much not Roma either. Roma’s more common epithet, that we see on coins, is Roma aeterna, “Eternal Roma.” When Roman armies wanted to invoke victory as a battle-cry, well, that was a different goddess – Victoria, naturally, and they’d shout her name (which actually happens, e.g. Caes. BG 5.37). So this is both grammatically incorrect Latin, but also theologically incorrect Roman religion and so something I have a hard time imagining a Roman would say, another example of the remarkable carelessness of this scene.
Melee
If Maximus thought it was important enough to keep a cavalry formation – he does spend all that time shouting ‘hold the line!’ to his horsemen, after all – he certainly doesn’t succeed. Even before he’s left the trees, his cavalry have lost any semblence of a tight, linear formation and by the time they arrive at the rear of the Marcomanni and Quadi, the battlefield is a confused, jumbled scrum.
Every so often, when I am teaching about ancient warfare, well meaning students will ask me how a given set of equipment or fighting style works once the battle has descended into the sort of confused, jumbled melees that Hollywood loves. Of course the answer is they don’t. No one’s fighting system or equipment is designed for this sort of confusion, because it simply wouldn’t be survivable and what most men want even more than winning a battle is to survive the battle. As you might imagine, such a confused battle would be insanely lethal: without a consistent direction of threat, soldiers couldn’t defend themselves effectively with their shields, instead being attacked from behind or the sides (while focused on an enemy in front of them). The whole thing would resolve very quickly, but it would resolve with both sides taking overwhelming casualties. As we’ve noted before, contrary to popular culture which tends to imagine that battles mostly involve killing the enemy, casualties in ancient battles tend to be around 10% of the total force engaged.
No lines, no formations, just chaos. No one in antiquity fought like this intentionally.
As a result, no army wanted the battlefield to devolve into such absolute confusion – Roman armies least of all. A general that allowed a battle to get this out of control was quite a failure. As fun as this sequence is, this is one of its problems: it wants us to understand Maximus as an extremely capable commander, but keeps showing him commanding very poorly.
As a result, there’s no much to say about the confused final scrum of this battle except that the Romans didn’t fight this way and neither did the Marcomanni or the Quadi. But I do want to note that even how we see the Romans (and especially Maximus) fighting is wrong. In particular, we see Maximus and other Romans doing a lot of sword parries – blocking an enemy blow with their sword – but that’s also not how the Romans fight. You can parry with a gladius or a spatha and certainly this must have happened, but the weapons are not ideal for it: the weapons have very small guards (the bit at the base of the blade that protects the hand) generally made of wood rather than metal, so there’s a good chance the opponent’s sword is going to ride down your blade into your hands. Instead, a Roman – infantry or cavalry – defends himself with his giant shield, with the added advantage that, having caught an enemy strike with your shield, there, you can be making your counter-stroke in the same time.8
While we’re here, this is a block that only works with Hollywood blunts. If that sword edge is sharp, you are just going to lose a hand. There absolutely are blocks and sword-fighting techniques that involve grabbing the blade, but they do not involve placing the edge flat against your unarmored palm and letting the enemy drive it through your hand. It’d have made more sense to turn this blade to parry with the flat so Maximus’ hand could rest against the flat of the blade and thus keep all of his fingers. It would have made even more sense for this Roman to have a shield. Also note how many dead Romans we can see in these scenes? This battle did not go well.
The related problem in the scene is that almost none of the Romans seem to keep their shields once the confused melee starts. It is really hard to get good screen-caps of this, because of all of the really quick cuts and the frequency with which Scott has people in the foreground run in front of the camera, which obscures a lot of the action, but I’d hazard by the time Maximus is on the ground, maybe one in five of our Romans still has their shield. Abandoning your shield in battle was a serious offense (because the assumption is that the only reason you’d drop your shield is to run away)! Precisely because the Roman combat style, focused on the gladius rather than on a spear, requires the Roman to advance through a spear-wielding opponent’s reach, you need that big shield to block, because your opponent will get to swing first.
Confusions and Conclusions
The battle ends with scattered Roman survivors standing over heaps of corpses, both Roman and enemy. We’re supposed to come through this scene thinking that Maximus is a very capable commander, a grim, focused, effective military man of the sort that Rome needs. But to be frank, actually knowing the Roman army, he comes off as a remarkably poor Roman general, the sort of fellow who needs to be sacked to a back-bench position in the Senate and then encouraged to spend more time on his estate.
Look at all of those Roman casualties! This battle may have been won, but it did not go well. The entire Roman security structure was predicated on the ability to win battles like this easily as that was the only way the entire Roman frontier could be held. In practice, the Romans tended to win these battles so consistently that through much of the early imperial period, the challenge on the Rhine and the Danube was that enemies wouldn’t fight such pitched battles, leading the Romans to have to find ways to force such engagements.
After all, we see Maximus and his buddy Quintus come to this battle supremely confident. Quintus even quips that the Marcomanni should “know when they’re conquered.” And then they go on to very nearly lose the battle, despite every part of their over-complicated, baroque battle plan going according to the plan. Maximus nearly gets himself killed playing warrior-hero rather than actually commanding his army while Quintus loses complete control of the battle the moment he orders the advance, which might be acceptable for a fifth century hoplite general but would have been totally unacceptable for a third century BC Roman commander, much less a second century AD one.
Hooray, all of our friends are dead and that one guy on the left is bleeding out from a gut wound! Also someone needs to pick up those standards. – I see at least two just standing in the ground on the left! Those are holy objects, if the standard-bearer falls, someone else needs to pick them up! Losing them would be extremely shameful!
Of course the point of ending the battle with scenes of wounded and fallen Romans and sad music playing is to loop back to Ridley Scott’s anti-war themes. The problem is that while Ridley Scott is notionally anti-war in his themes, his movies also think that battles are really cool and that only soldiers should run the state, which is a sort of thematic train-wreck that afflicts both Gladiator movies in particular.
Taking the entire sequence together, I think we can see how – despite being a very fun sequence – it is also very deceptive. Almost everything we see is shaped by one or more misconceptions: the army is composed wrong, positioned incorrectly, uses the wrong tactics, in the wrong formations, often with the wrong weapons, under the direction of a general we are supposed to understand as supremely capable who we see make one mistake after another and very nearly loses the battle as a result.
What is deceptive about it, however, are not all of the things which are wrong – which to be clear, are most of the things. This is not a very Roman battle. But if the film made no representation to historical accuracy or groundedness, if there wasn’t a tremendous effort to create historical verisilimitude and as such every viewer could easily intuit that what they were seeing had no real historical basis, this would just be a fun fantasy battle sequence.
It returns me to the concept I’ve used a lot in these sorts of pop-culture reviews, which is asking the degree to which a given work “makes the claim” to historical groundedness. I was asked, for instance, if I would do a similar review of A Knight’s Tale (2001) – another super-fun movie – and the answer is basically no. The reason is that A Knight’s Tale goes out of its way to avoid “making the claim” to historical accuracy, mostly notably by including a whole bunch of diagetic (that is, in the story rather than merely played over it) modern music. You are not supposed to take any part of A Knight’s Tale seriously as a historical work.9
But as we’ve noted, quite a lot of effort in Gladiator (2000) goes into the signifiers of historical accuracy, to get the feel of an accurate portrayal, even though almost no part is accurate. Gladiator is “making the claim.” For the most part, the legionary and auxiliary soldiers look like they walked on to set off of the page of a textbook illustration, even if they’re present in the wrong ratios and fighting the wrong way; the Romans show up with lots of catapults and field fortifications, both things folks often vaguely know about the Romans (but in both cases, they’re used wrong); characters shout Latin phrases even if those phrases are grammatically incorrect; they have Roman-sounding names even if those are incorrect. There was a deliberate choice to present something that looked an awful lot more authentic than the sword-and-sandal epics of previous decades. And of course the narrative is presented in a very specific time and place, under the reign of two specific emperors. It mattered a lot to Ridley Scott and his team that this sequence looked accurate, even though it wasn’t accurate.
You can see how successful that effort is simply by reading through some of the comments on the last two posts, or the response they elicited in some corners of social media – some quite strident efforts to defend elements of this sequence (including an amusing effort to salvage Maximus’ name). The efforts to defend the battle speak to the degree to which many viewers have internalized this as their vision of historical Roman warfare and of course they did: the film goes out of it way to encourage them to do so. And because this scene is so influential, even folks whose sense of the Roman army comes from, say, video games are likely to also be effectively marinated in this scene, merely second-hand.10
Which is why I thought this scene was worth talking through, because it isn’t an accurate vision of historical Roman warfare. Gladiator is, unlike its sequel, a fun movie and a good time, but if you know the Roman army from this movie, chances are you know less than nothing. Normally, this is where I’d recommend a better portrayal of the Roman army at war but to be frank, we haven’t really gotten a good one. HBO’s Rome has some good moments, but also some solid nonsense and so falls into much the same trap as Gladiator: just enough right to leave people vulnerable to accepting what is wrong. Most films can’t help but invent non-existent Roman tactics rather than showing the Roman army function as it was.